READY FOR MORE BUT TERRIFIED TO START OVER

Have you ever felt stuck, like no matter how hard you try, you’re just not moving forward?

I’ve been in this industry for five years, yet I’m nowhere near where I hoped to be by now. Five years is a long time, long enough for a promotion or at least a salary increase. But I haven’t received either. And it makes me question myself. Am I asking for too much by wanting a higher salary? Am I being ungrateful for seeking a promotion? Haven’t I proven myself? Met the expectations? Or maybe I’m just being delusional for thinking I’m capable of handling greater responsibilities.

But deep down, I don’t believe that’s true.

I know the current circumstances aren’t ideal. I know no one is to blame. I didn’t set out to feel this way, but I can’t help it. I crave something more. I feel ready for the next step. I don’t want to remain stagnant. I need something to push me forward, some new spark to reignite my drive. Right now, I don’t have that.

Don’t get me wrong, I am truly grateful for this job, and especially for the team I work with. They’re the best, and I mean that sincerely. But again, I need more.

Recently, I was offered a new position. The pay is exceptionally good. But the role is entirely finance-based, something I’ve never done before. I’d be starting from ground zero, completely blindfolded. I’ve always believed in my adaptability, but this feels like unfamiliar territory. It will take months of grinding before I can even grasp the basics.

I wouldn’t be doing it alone. I’d have a team and a manager. Still, there would be expectations — expectations I’m not sure I can meet. And if I fail? The embarrassment would be overwhelming. I might even resign and look for something else… or worse, return to my old company. That thought terrifies me. I don’t think I’d be able to forgive myself if it came to that.

Today, I took a day off. I went to the office to pick up my work laptop, not exactly standard procedure, but my personal one is under maintenance, and I needed something to write on. Honestly, this break wasn’t planned. I got ready like usual this morning, but then it hit me hard. I already knew how the day would unfold. I know the environment too well. It’s become predictable, down to the smallest details.

I needed a change of scenery. So here I am, working from a quiet café with minimal crowd, peaceful music, a cozy ambience, hot coffee, and sweet desserts. These are my little comforts, and they help me function better. Being in a space I choose makes all the difference. That’s one of the things I look forward to in working for an MNC. They offer flexibility, work-from-home setups, and the ability to choose where and how you work. I could sit at any café I want and make it my office for the day.

It sounds wonderful, doesn’t it? But the reality is, landing a job, especially a good one, isn’t easy these days. It almost feels impossible.

Though I know what I want, I’m slowly learning to live with a painful realization. For now, I have to endure. I have to hold on to what I have.

Letting go sounds easy, if only everything worked out the way we hoped. The equation seems simple, and numbers never lie. You either end in success or you end in failure. And it’s that failure that terrifies me.

It’s not that I don’t want to challenge myself. I do. But the stakes feel too high.

I’m not sitting on a fortune or years of security. What I have is modest, a mix of experiences, a set of skills, and a good amount of common sense. Just enough to make a living and keep myself afloat. And yet, I’m risking all of that for an ambition that, right now, has no guarantees.

If I fall, it won't be a soft landing. The cost of failure would be devastating, emotionally, professionally, and even personally. And I can’t afford to let that happen.

Each passing day, I hear someone is getting a raise. Someone is being awarded a promotion. And I can’t help but wonder, when will it be my turn?

Hearing these stories stirs something in me. It makes me question my path, my choices, and sometimes… my worth. It shakes my faith. Not in others, but in myself.

I know I shouldn't compare. I know everyone's journey is different. But I'm only human. I get jealous. I spiral. I complain. I question everything that’s happening or not happening in my life.

I wish I had a clear answer right now, a solid yes or no, a plan I could proudly stand behind. But I don’t. Not yet.

All I know is that something in me is stirring. I’m no longer content staying where I am, but I’m not entirely ready to leap into the unknown either. I'm somewhere in between — processing, questioning, hoping.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll feel braver. Maybe I won’t. But today, I’m giving myself permission to feel it all, the fear, the envy, the longing, the doubt.

And that, for now, is enough.

I don’t have it all figured out. Maybe I never will. But I do know that I’m allowed to want more. I’m allowed to feel stuck, to question, to crave something bigger. That doesn’t make me ungrateful. That makes me human.

For now, I’ll keep showing up. I’ll keep learning. I’ll keep choosing growth, even if it means moving slowly. And when the time feels right, not perfect but just right, I’ll take the leap.

Wish me luck!